Tamar was King David's daughter and Dinah was Jacob's. Genesis 34 gives us a narrative of the life of Dinah, she lived in a home where there were women, which included her mother and aunt. Yet she lacked support and encouragement. Leaving home to seek out female relationships elsewhere proved detrimental. I wonder what her legacy would have been if she had someone to talk with as she walked through the difficult situations in her life. There seems to be a lack of compassion for those who are struggling to find their way through life's difficult circumstances. And what about Tamar, after she was raped by one brother and the another brother instructed her to stay silent come live in his house. [2 Samuel 13] We see this account in verse 20, "And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman." Can you imagine what that must have been like for the King's daughter to be shrugged off and tossed aside not having anyone to let her know that what happened to her does not define her. How in the world two daughters from two of the most influential patriarchs of the Old Testament ended up DESOLATE? It's hard to believe that in David's kingdom there wasn't one person that could've reached out to the his daughter. What a turn around that would have brought to her life and other women of her time. It's so important for us as women to support each other with presence, being able to look a sister in the eyes, put your arm around her and even let her shed a tear or two is vital. I feel a little like Tamar, I've not been raped, but had some hurtful situations by those I trusted. The worst part is that feeling of discouragement that seem endless. I must be honest, there have been a couple of friends but they didn't support me in the way I needed and I didn't want to seem to needy so I stayed silent. People try to be there the best they could but I've learned not to open up to others, that way I'm safe from judgement. So I suffered in silence, and gave up on ministry not because I couldn't or didn't want to do it anymore, but fear there might not be support. It's been almost two years since the last ministry event and it would seem no one much cared. Last November I decided to get my feet wet again by having a breakfast, of the fifteen invited only two people showed up including a family member. Some didn't even respond. Pretty much everyone was busy. I made nice as if it was well, but I felt like a failure, letdown by people who seemed sincere about supporting me, and most of all by God. I thought to myself, maybe I'm being punished. I felt like ministry was over for me. I thought maybe I'd missed my time and it was now time for others. When I saw others taking off in their ministries, I felt left behind and a little jealous too. I prayed asking God to show me what I did wrong, and how I could get back on course, why women seemed to be running in the opposite direction when He's called me to minister to them. To be honest God seemed silent to me. To be honest, it was hard to hear Him over the negative chatter. I had moments where I believed it was going to get better but that would fade. Thank God I had enough scripture inside and one person who kept checking on me.
I know a bit of what Tamar and Dinah felt as day after day they waited for someone to call or drop by to see how they were. I waited for an apology that never came, I wrote a letter of apology with no response. I waited for someone to inquire why I stopped ministry, but again no one did. After a while I stopped expecting anything. The more I whined about it the worse I felt and the inside chatter was deafening. I started going to event to get connected, or to be noticed, but that didn't work either. I met several women that I felt a connection with, thought these were God connections, but they drifted away. I started to feel like a failure too ashamed to ask for help. I push past fear one day and reach out to someone but felt misunderstood, that's when I decided to suck it up and keep it in. My family would ask about ministry but I would make up something and they too didn't seem to care much since they were busy with themselves. Some days I just wanted to talk with a friend and not hear them quote a scripture, Just to talk about life and it's challenges. When my husband had surgery March 2013, I crave female relationship that never showed up, I mean presence. I was having one of those crappy weeks when I read the following tweet by Sally Clarkson, "Taking initiative and calling a friend will transform hearts." I responded, "Wish it was that easy." She responded, "Praying for you today." With that, I called someone and ask for prayer, it was a humbling experience but worth it non the less. I needed to know I mattered and yes I need the SISTERHOOD, I am determined not to die DESOLATE as Tamar did. I want to live the abundant life Jesus came to give me [John 10:10]. One day I just surrendered all the crap, yes crap, I was holding onto to God. Days later I got a call inquiring how I was doing, that was an encouraging start as a result making a conscious decision to let it go, and continually so. After listening to Bishop Jakes speaking about "INSTINCT" and reading Pastor Furtick's book, "Crash The Chatterbox". I realize that I was allowing my past to keep me in a cage and from moving forward when I've already been APPROVED, by what Jesus did on the cross. I've began my crawling out of my cage forward, at least maybe I'll crawl far enough to get a hold of a sister's hand and that takes risk and vulnerability.
